SILENT ‘SIGHS’ FOR CABS, CREPES AND COOL CONNECTIONS

(An ode to CY)

I wrote him this letter about a year ago when he left my office. I saw this write-up again just recently and i smiled. he just celebrated his birth anniversary and i know i owe him this one. Happy birthday Cy dearest...


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“ang hirap kumonek!”–we always mutter these lines to ourselves.

i remember the first time i wrote you to apologize. you were surprised, right? now here i am again and i surprised even myself, actually. why sitting here by my window and writing you should be so important; or that why, instead of dozing off during this ‘womb time’ most people call dawn, i chose to scribble something for you (and yeah, i skipped my diazepham for this one). you must think you’re very special, don’t you? well, hell, you’re right. you are special.

sigh…

today is your last ‘tropang propa’ day. it will be the last time i’d have a free blue facial film, frutos and sampaloc candies, free chocos, cookies and health tips. how sad is that?! it will also mean no more eco-meal lunch-mate for me, no one to help me cross the street (oh dear, i fel that old…ugh!); no reason for me to call Arlan or Pia for a merienda update and even no one to share cab rides to Gateway with nightly. nobody will borrow my liquid soap anymore, share the sinful mango crepes with me and no more reason why i should bring biscuits and good food just to make someone burp and smile.

i’ll surely miss everything about you and me and our daily agonies (your newspaper monitoring included!). so why this long letter? cy, you may not remember all that you did to impact my life…but i haven’t forgotten. and i just want you to know.
your friendshiop over these months has meant an awful lot to me—more than i can say (and i admit i’m not even damn good at saying things like that!). that is why despite your leaving, i have decided to treat this day as normally (or in our case, as “abnormally”) as i possibly can.

i’m not denying the fact that i’ll be sad seeing an empty chair at that corner by the window. i have long (and quite painstakingly) accepted that. but i’m just trying to ceaselessly convince myself that you’re just there—anywhere–standing by with your boyish grin, ready to meet up with me…perhaps in some coffee shop somewhere (where wi-fi is free, haha!); where we can have long sentimental conversations. so that i could once again hear you recite your ‘alms, alms, alms’ piece or where we can go for little picture-takings (cam-whores that we are!)…

every single day for the past year or so, i didn’t only watch you grow, cy. i have grown with you. the lunch conversations, yosi breaks, showbiz chats and even the secret laughs and emotional outbursts, especially my first ‘civil disobedience’ that nearly triggered ‘world war IV’…those to me were precious, precious memories. something that i will deeply remember for a long, long time.

but time has caught up with us. finally.

it’s not i don’t want you to leave (go fly, cy!). it’s just that, for a moment, i wished we had more time to do all the talking and laughing and ‘panlalait’ (and eating! and shopping!) before it’s too late.

i believe though, and as i’ve always said, true friendships will go on—no matter the distance, despite the soul space. and i also believe, and with some amount of conviction, that you and i will live by the memories we made and gladly make more in the days ahead.

cy, my friend, please believe! i want you to believe when i say that you are a good person; a beautiful one even to the core; that you are a special ‘growing boy’ who deserves to seek your kind of happiness in every aspect of life—the kind of happiness that, i know, has long been in search of you.

i also want you to believe that despite the dreary and disappointing twists in life, the best is yet to come for you. for us. cy, circumstances may be cruel. it can shake your ideals, challenge your capabilities and oftentimes take away your dreams. but continue to be yourself and just believe. when you do that, life will smile at you and will continue trusting you despite yourself.

bear in mind that i’ll always be here ready to choose you and fight for you.
i’ll also be here for your needs, namely: pasta, mongolian barbeque, tacos, brownies, butterscotch, tea, pandesal, diazepham, lesofat, shoulder to lean on (or as your ‘elbow rest’), a heart to take on your troubles and my crazy dances and jokes that never fail to make you laugh silly.

oh, and lest i forget the other essence of this letter: thank you my friend!
thank you for being more than my workmate. thank you for being my number one fan, critic, gossip-mate, groove-mate, escort, yosi buddy, colleague, hero and special friend. we had our moments but we still deeply care about and respect each other. i am so lucky!

i will sincerely miss the great times, cy. but i also live for the day when you and i will tell our grandchildren (oops, what am i talking about eh di ba menopause na ako?! eoww!) that once in our uhh…young lives, i’ve known a ‘dudette’ and you’ve known one insane ‘dude’—a.ka. “bamba” (grrr!). people will forever wonder how these names came to be. but it’s our deepest darkest secret; something only you and i know.

i believe in you, cy. honestly. i know that you’ll go leap and spin more dreams. after today, i know you’ll soar high, go crazy, live fully, but stay the way i knew you. go and go ahead…you have my blessings.

so these words here aren’t said with a heavy heart. it springs forth from the same heart that you have touched and has embraced you despite you.

i hope our thresholds will meet again. but until then, as i listen to the songs we shared and remember the wonderful moments that they have chronicled, i have all our lessons and i have learned deeply: to be imperfect yet happy; to be alone yet continue loving to the hilt; to stay insane in this unsafe, unloving world…and mostly, to “just believe!”

“ang hirap kumonek!”–yes, we always mutter these words to ourselves.

whether we mean the office internet or the wi-fi connection at our favorite “pesang dalag” hangout. but it was never that way with us…ever. we finish each other’s sentences, laugh at the world and our idiosyncracies. it’s uncanny but ours was a powerful ability to understand each other with simple sighs, whispers, whimpers and even mere silence.


cy, thank you for affording me a “beautiful connection” that will live forever in a place far beyond words. for those instances when you made me believe and for the many moments when you allowed me to shine…deep in my heart, i will forever be grateful!

be well, cy. and always—always—stay happy.



(sigh,cy...01march2008.bluejeans since mcmlxix)