SILENT ‘SIGHS’ FOR CABS, CREPES AND COOL CONNECTIONS

(An ode to CY)

I wrote him this letter about a year ago when he left my office. I saw this write-up again just recently and i smiled. he just celebrated his birth anniversary and i know i owe him this one. Happy birthday Cy dearest...


-----
“ang hirap kumonek!”–we always mutter these lines to ourselves.

i remember the first time i wrote you to apologize. you were surprised, right? now here i am again and i surprised even myself, actually. why sitting here by my window and writing you should be so important; or that why, instead of dozing off during this ‘womb time’ most people call dawn, i chose to scribble something for you (and yeah, i skipped my diazepham for this one). you must think you’re very special, don’t you? well, hell, you’re right. you are special.

sigh…

today is your last ‘tropang propa’ day. it will be the last time i’d have a free blue facial film, frutos and sampaloc candies, free chocos, cookies and health tips. how sad is that?! it will also mean no more eco-meal lunch-mate for me, no one to help me cross the street (oh dear, i fel that old…ugh!); no reason for me to call Arlan or Pia for a merienda update and even no one to share cab rides to Gateway with nightly. nobody will borrow my liquid soap anymore, share the sinful mango crepes with me and no more reason why i should bring biscuits and good food just to make someone burp and smile.

i’ll surely miss everything about you and me and our daily agonies (your newspaper monitoring included!). so why this long letter? cy, you may not remember all that you did to impact my life…but i haven’t forgotten. and i just want you to know.
your friendshiop over these months has meant an awful lot to me—more than i can say (and i admit i’m not even damn good at saying things like that!). that is why despite your leaving, i have decided to treat this day as normally (or in our case, as “abnormally”) as i possibly can.

i’m not denying the fact that i’ll be sad seeing an empty chair at that corner by the window. i have long (and quite painstakingly) accepted that. but i’m just trying to ceaselessly convince myself that you’re just there—anywhere–standing by with your boyish grin, ready to meet up with me…perhaps in some coffee shop somewhere (where wi-fi is free, haha!); where we can have long sentimental conversations. so that i could once again hear you recite your ‘alms, alms, alms’ piece or where we can go for little picture-takings (cam-whores that we are!)…

every single day for the past year or so, i didn’t only watch you grow, cy. i have grown with you. the lunch conversations, yosi breaks, showbiz chats and even the secret laughs and emotional outbursts, especially my first ‘civil disobedience’ that nearly triggered ‘world war IV’…those to me were precious, precious memories. something that i will deeply remember for a long, long time.

but time has caught up with us. finally.

it’s not i don’t want you to leave (go fly, cy!). it’s just that, for a moment, i wished we had more time to do all the talking and laughing and ‘panlalait’ (and eating! and shopping!) before it’s too late.

i believe though, and as i’ve always said, true friendships will go on—no matter the distance, despite the soul space. and i also believe, and with some amount of conviction, that you and i will live by the memories we made and gladly make more in the days ahead.

cy, my friend, please believe! i want you to believe when i say that you are a good person; a beautiful one even to the core; that you are a special ‘growing boy’ who deserves to seek your kind of happiness in every aspect of life—the kind of happiness that, i know, has long been in search of you.

i also want you to believe that despite the dreary and disappointing twists in life, the best is yet to come for you. for us. cy, circumstances may be cruel. it can shake your ideals, challenge your capabilities and oftentimes take away your dreams. but continue to be yourself and just believe. when you do that, life will smile at you and will continue trusting you despite yourself.

bear in mind that i’ll always be here ready to choose you and fight for you.
i’ll also be here for your needs, namely: pasta, mongolian barbeque, tacos, brownies, butterscotch, tea, pandesal, diazepham, lesofat, shoulder to lean on (or as your ‘elbow rest’), a heart to take on your troubles and my crazy dances and jokes that never fail to make you laugh silly.

oh, and lest i forget the other essence of this letter: thank you my friend!
thank you for being more than my workmate. thank you for being my number one fan, critic, gossip-mate, groove-mate, escort, yosi buddy, colleague, hero and special friend. we had our moments but we still deeply care about and respect each other. i am so lucky!

i will sincerely miss the great times, cy. but i also live for the day when you and i will tell our grandchildren (oops, what am i talking about eh di ba menopause na ako?! eoww!) that once in our uhh…young lives, i’ve known a ‘dudette’ and you’ve known one insane ‘dude’—a.ka. “bamba” (grrr!). people will forever wonder how these names came to be. but it’s our deepest darkest secret; something only you and i know.

i believe in you, cy. honestly. i know that you’ll go leap and spin more dreams. after today, i know you’ll soar high, go crazy, live fully, but stay the way i knew you. go and go ahead…you have my blessings.

so these words here aren’t said with a heavy heart. it springs forth from the same heart that you have touched and has embraced you despite you.

i hope our thresholds will meet again. but until then, as i listen to the songs we shared and remember the wonderful moments that they have chronicled, i have all our lessons and i have learned deeply: to be imperfect yet happy; to be alone yet continue loving to the hilt; to stay insane in this unsafe, unloving world…and mostly, to “just believe!”

“ang hirap kumonek!”–yes, we always mutter these words to ourselves.

whether we mean the office internet or the wi-fi connection at our favorite “pesang dalag” hangout. but it was never that way with us…ever. we finish each other’s sentences, laugh at the world and our idiosyncracies. it’s uncanny but ours was a powerful ability to understand each other with simple sighs, whispers, whimpers and even mere silence.


cy, thank you for affording me a “beautiful connection” that will live forever in a place far beyond words. for those instances when you made me believe and for the many moments when you allowed me to shine…deep in my heart, i will forever be grateful!

be well, cy. and always—always—stay happy.



(sigh,cy...01march2008.bluejeans since mcmlxix)

FOUR-LEAF CLOVER (Happy St. Patrick’s Day!)

FOUR NAMES THAT FRIENDS CALL YOU:
1. Jeans
2. Jinggai (my ‘BC’ buddies)
3. Gina/Ging (my elementary, hi-sch and college classmates)
4. Gegz/Bunsoi (the whole Cequina clan)


FOUR MOST IMPORTANT DATES IN YOUR LIFE:
1. January 27 (my bday)
2. December 23 (secret…)
3. September 15 (1GL…)
4. May 5 (papa’s bday)


FOUR THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN THE LAST 30 MINUTES:
1. “Facebooked”
2. texted Mr. Uy
3. coughed and coughed and coughed and coughed
4. “Acted” as if I was writing an article I was supposed to be done with last Monday, hahaha!


FOUR WAYS TO BE HAPPY:
1. love yourself and your own company (even when no one is looking)
2. Lifestyle change (opt for healthy eating & living)
3. Kill people with kindness (even your fellow biatches, haha!)
4. be everyone’s “shrink”—hearing their problems will somehow lessen your own


FOUR PEOPLE/ THING YOU MISS FROM YOUR PAST:
1. slow-dancing with my darling daddy (Last waltz, Hey sir that’s my baby…)
2. UP days—rallies, cheering, inom
3. my high school and college friends
4. oil painting (I just can’t seem to find the time these days, argggh)


FOUR GIFTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE:
1. my very own condo unit (nakakapagod kaya mag-rent?!)
2. Travel/cruise for two (to Ireland?)
3. an entirely new set of clothes! (I’m two sizes smaller now, hello!)
4. A ticket to Bacolod and a vacation for like two weeks (so I can go to a secluded beach, dance in the rain and paint)


FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Writing (hobby na rin kahit occupation; even personal experiences become opportunities to write din naman)
2. Tapdancing
3. Playing the Irish Tin Whistle
4. Zipping/Poi-twirling/fire-dancing


FOUR PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR VACATION:
1. Ireland (“erin gra mo chroi!”)
2. China (to visit Mumo)
3. New York (to revisit my fave city, with a stopover in CA to see Mia & Willie Wonkie)
4. Bacolod for like two weeks (again, so I can go to a secluded beach, dance in the rain and paint)


FOUR FAVORITE DRINKS:
1. water in room temperature
2. decaf-chamomile coffee
3. soya-lite (lactose-sugar free, zero cholesterol/transfat)
4. water in room temperature


FOUR THINGS ALWAYS FOUND IN YOUR BAG:
1. mobile phones—an iphone and a nokia N77
2. SpongeBob notebook
3. mini medicine box
4. kikay kit


FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
1. carribean blue
2. camouflage green
3. black (specifically on my nails and with nail art too!)
4. Purple


TOP FOUR HANGOUTS:
1. My pad (even my sisters and friends love to hangout in my place—it’s small but has a bar, entertainment-cum-gallery area, books galore and a lot of legroom to be just who you are without being judged)
2. the diner across my tap school (whatchamacallit again, Tree?)
3. my doctor’s clinic
4. salcedo park (esp during Saturdays where they have organic food fest and art exhibits! Then I zip there with a friend)


TOP FOUR U LOVE SO MUCH:
1. Myself
2. Papa (I’ll always be a proud daddy’s girl!)
3. my lighthouse collection
4. special people in my life (hell, you know who you are!)


TOP FOUR "THINGS" SPECIAL TO YOU:
1. My gadgets – celphone, laptop, palmtop, etc
2. My blings and cocktail rings
3. My books
4. My journals


TOP FOUR WHO YOU THINK WILL ANSWER THIS SURVEY:
1. Kung sino man…
2. …ang walang magawa…
3. …tulad…
4. …ko!


TOP FOUR REASONS WHY YOU ANSWERED THIS SURVEY:
1. I am so swamped with deadlines that I don’t know which one to finish first (kaya Facebook muna!)
2. i need to do something “bobo-proof” to balance my brains
3. I’m sick with flu at home and bored to the nth power
4. I need to write, period!

It's not easy being “JEANS”

This 'tag thing' started in facebook. Tata, Wowie, Jaye, Bing, Cachelle, Bevs, and some other friends tagged me. So I tagged them back plus more peeps I would love to know better. It's funny, poignant and but admittedly infectious.

so i listed down random things about me and if you choose not to participate, no problem. otherwise, you better sit down and share your "deepest, darkest secrets"...NOW!

--------------------

1. I AM DIFFERENT! My rules are not conventional. I am, by my personality and inner strength, a BORN REBEL. Telling stories about the dumbest of things was my favorite; that is why since Grade 4, I already knew I wanted to be a writer.

2. I AM MAD AT MATH. If I could write a song about it, I would. But since I’m not a composer, borrowing Oscar The Grouch’s “I Love Trash” song would be a splendid idea! (To prove this, check out Phil. Daily Inquirer’s “Youngblood 2.0”(page 23!) for my essay entitled: “My Wrath for Math”.

3. I LOVE EVERYTHING IRISH-the culture, language, people, the landscape. Chin-Chin Gutierrez used to call me a “true-blue Pinoy-Celtic Kid” and if there’s one place in the world I could be (except for where I am right now), it would be Ireland.

4. “LIGHTHOUSE” IS MY PERSONAL METAPHOR…it stands as a reminder of how I should be strong and steadfast despite my solitude. As a result, family and closest friends come to me for warmth and enlightenment. I believe I am put here in this lifetime to guide “lost souls” in the sea of life. Because of this, I have an extensive lighthouse collection. As of writing, there are exactly 223 lighthouses (frames, doormats, wallclocks, mugs, plates, coloring books, wipes and more) nestled at a corner of my pad. Two magazines and a TV show have expressed desire to feature me and my collection…will have to think about that.

5. My British mentor told me that I am the ONLY FILIPINA who plays the Irish Tin Whistle (like The Corrs!)

6. I used to love all things with the word “RED” attached to it: Redbolts, Red Bull, Red Horse beer included…But when I’m sober, BLUE has always been my favorite color.

7. While I loved brandy, cigars and Swiss Thin chocolates, I remember I would also die for Tanduay, Chocnut and a stick of Philipp Morris.

8. Although I have a fully-loaded bar at home for my friends who visit, I believe that I have reached my “drinking quota” for this lifetime thus I gave up on drinking 4 years ago…

9. Used to be a proud member of the LFS, UP-Samasa and the Sec-Gen of Samahan Ng Malalayang Kababaihang Nagkakaisa—about which my dad would call me long-distance each time he sees me on the news, headlining a rally (God bless my father’s soul!)…

10. Some career highlights include having to represent the country during the United Nations’ Int’l Decade for Women (in New York), having lunch with Hillary Clinton and being 5 meters away from Pope John Paul II (as part of the international news team who documented his visit for the World Youth Day-Philippines). Career “lowlights”—being paid to write speeches for senators I didn’t really like. Thus, I gave up my political career 8 years ago.

11. I love shopping and dining! But while I cherish the mall’s midnight madness and the most hip & happening hubs, I would rather go to quaint shops, street food festivals and open flea markets anytime!

12. The only good thing about losing my mom at 12 years old is the realization that I wouldn’t have been half as strong as I am now if that didn’t happen.

13. As a retirement job, I dream of singing in a bar where broken hearts and wounded souls go for refuge. My kindred soul, Herdy promised to frequent that bar even not for such reasons (yay, at least I have one fan!)

14. My rather out-of-the-ordinary hobbies include pennywhistling, firing, diving, tapdancing and poi/fire twirling. Hooray for planetzips!

15. I’M THE REAL BIGGEST LOSER. I’ve turned pesco-vegetarian since 4 years ago. From whence, I also stopped drinking anything (no soda, etc) except water in room temperature. Used to weigh 154lbs; the last time I weighed I dropped to 121lbs (and still counting…)

16. I JUST TURNED 40. My classmates in tapdance are 8-12 year old kids but I still feel so at home especially when I hear Missy tell me every Saturday: “Ate Jeans, you are just the cooooooolest person in this whole wide world!” Awwww….

17. In Grade 1, my art teacher (excuse me, Miss Acanto!) gave me a “zero” in art because I refused to draw an apple tree the way she wanted me to. I started oil painting when I was in Grade 3, had my first group exhibit by Grade 5. In Grade 6, I won Gold in the National painting competition and I got the “Artist of the Year” awards both in Grade 6 and 4th year graduations, given by who else, Miss Acanto! (ahhhh…justice!)

18. I love long drives, dawns and long drives at dawn!

19. Along with my Shakespeare and other literary classics (including my fave Walt Whitman books), I have a vast collection of Children’s Books. But they're not just any other children’s books…it has to be Politically Correct or satirical. Examples are “The Three Little Wolves and the Big Bad Pig”(for the classic Three Little Pigs…), “Laddle Rot Rotten Hut” (for Little Red Riding Hood)

20. My “other” collections include stamps (my stamp albums are more than 25 years old!), cocktail rings, pandas (have 700+ panda items tucked in 3 boxes at home), sea stones and colored bottles that catch the sunlight from my kitchen window…

21. In this lifetime, I would like to fly a bi-plane, be invited into Robert Fulghum's boathouse, finish my “Lighthouse Chronicles” (and submit it to BBC) and meet/jam with Enya, Loreena Mackeenitt, The Corrs, Michael McGoldrick, Maire Brennan, Clannad and other new age-Irish-celtic geniuses (not exactly in that order)

22. Even when there’s a new addition to the clan every year (nephews, nieces, apos), I will always be and be called “Bunsoi”…Ironically, being "bunsoi" means my advice, suggestions and word is valued by everyone in the family. Thus, I proudly wear a virtual pin that says: “JEANS—lola’s girl, daddy’s little girl, manong boy’s girl, Mumo’s girl, Toto Fred’s best sis, Tito Rudy’s favorite niece, Japoi’s idol, Mia’s most favorite tita, etc…” darn, I miss my family!

23. I AM SINGLE, “QUIRKYALONE” AND LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT! I am the head quirkie of QHQ (Quirkyalone Headquarters)-Philippines. My article entitled “A DIFFERENT SELF-PORTRAIT-Welcome to Planet Quirklyalone!” has been blogged about thrice locally, twice internationally and has been featured in 2 newspaper columns. Since it’s weeks to go before Valentine’s Day, I have received invitation for TV guestings about how single and quirkyalones celebrate the day of hearts. Again, will have to think about that...

24. I KILL PEOPLE WITH KINDESS…EVERY SINGLE DAY!

25. In UP, I took Math 55…Oh no, it wasn’t a new curriculum or subject. It was just that I took Math-11 five times! (whoa, I got my multiplication right…finally!)

26. Because of entries #1 and #2, I listed 26 things, instead of only 25…Oddly, I think the feeling is mutual…MATH IS ALSO MAD AT ME!

It took 40 years to look & feel this good...but who's counting?

BIRTHDAYS are the happiest and saddest moments in life. It reminds us of transitions and changes, rites of passage we had of the past and our unrelenting journey towards the future.

When I think of all these, I CRY.

I cry for all the times that I should have cried but didn’t. I cry for lost loves and lost lives, new-found loves and friendships and all the ‘crossing overs’ which I did and was happy that I did them. I cry for happy and sad times…blissful and moving moments. And days from now–I will definitely cry again…

I AM TURNING 40 ON JANUARY 27!

Turning 40 is big! If in the past few years, I have partied big time, this year must be really bigger! But since birthdays are about changes, I have CHANGED my mind.

The original plan was to gather 40 people closest to my heart in Vieux Chalet (a Swiss French getaway in the tranquil hills of Antipolo) and do a "mini-concert". I will bring together my friends from the zipping and maybe firedance there; friends from the Irish band we’re forming this year (yes, I'm the ONLY FILIPINA who plays the Irish tin whistle!) and jam; plus a brief tapdance have my “happy feet” enchant the audience.

Then I thought of something else and told myself: THIS YEAR, IT WILL NOT BE ABOUT ME!

Thus I have made up my mind NOT TO PARTY. After all, there are other shorelines to explore and one of them is having a DIFFERENT birthday party which I am planning to celebrate with 40 STREETCHILDREN OF THE LAURA VICUNA FOUNDATION IN CUBAO, QUEZON CITY.

As a past pupil of a Salesian school, this is my way of “LOOKING FORWARD AND GIVING BACK” thus a charity birthday bash is all set for January 31, 2009 (Saturday and incidentally “Don Bosco Day”). I will bring some of my friends—and their kids—to an "immersion" there, personally headline a feeding and give out 40 schoolbags with school supplies, personal hygiene necessities and stuff to co-celebrate my joy.

As early as December, “gifts” have started to pour in. Some of my ever-supportive friends and relatives have given donations (in cash or in kind) for the children. Those who I haven’t even seen for the past five years or so, surprised me with donations. Other friends either offered to entertain the kids: a friend will bring a clown-magician, a choir group will sing, my writing colleagues offered to do my AVP and of course, I’m going to zip, tap and play with my Irish band...whew! There are those who volunteered to help out during this milestone event and I am just so overwhelmed!

I am asking for prayers for SERENITY (despite my solitude), WISDOM (for more prolific writing years), HEALTH of mind, body and spirit plus a condo unit of my own (sorry i just had to squeeze this in!hahaha!). But from my angle, everything right now is just way beyond belief!

Yes, there are other shorelines to explore. The ride may be tough but I hold a promise in my heart that it may also be sweet. And with a little help from people like you pushing me to, once again, “trailblaze” as I always do…this pleasure of stillness, this peace, will allow me to move smoothly with the ebb and flow of life.

Despite still being fun, feisty, fearless and quirky at 40, I am going to surrender peacefully to the ripples and tidal waves of life knowing that as a lighthousekeeper, I will be forever anchored to my shore—a signature of truly growing up (nope, not “growing old”) and growing wiser.

Join me then—in spirit and in prayer—as I celebrate. And laugh…AND CRY.

HEY, I’M TURNING 40! AND I WILL DEFINITELY CRY FOR THE 14,610 SUNRISES THAT I AM GIVEN!

…still I rise!jeanscequina…writer…poi pixie…peaceful warrior…lighthousekeeper!(mcmlxix)