(For CC...who never promised me forever)
it’s very hard for me to come up with this one. i have, in fact, postponed this for days not because i don’t want to but because i don’t know how to begin. but now that i am ripe enuf, i need to make some wise decisions in my life. for as little time we have together, I thought I would shift things a little bit. so, i have finally decided starting today that i am going to live my life...ALONE.
Amazing.
We were sitting there from dawn till morn. we were talking and holding and laughing. we were listening to the silence that has cut the bridge between us for so long—suddenly not talking at all. i was waiting for some sane words from you...we had none to give.
There were pairs around us yet i’m not even sure if they were lovers. They were just there—holding hands, pacing, talking and not talking as if mingling in our interlude. from afar i saw a boatman sailing close to the shore. he waved and smiled as if glad seeing us... together. again.
i see us stuck in a never-ending opening. at first, it was the real thing and sheer delight. it is the part of a relationship in which you were at your best: fun, charming, excited, exciting, interesting, interested. it was the time when you were most comfortable and most lovable because you didn’t feel the need to mobilize your defenses, so i could get to care for a warm human being instead of a cactus. it was also the time of delight for us both, and it’s no wonder you like opening so much you strive to make your life a series of them.
at first glance, everyone who saw us almost bled with envy. we were the embodiment of a perfect couple (well, almost!), except that we were no longer one. we were two beautiful souls lost in the panorama of the bluish dawn with the sun peeping over our horizon. no one can say when the night is due or when it’s almost morning. but such splendid seascape was just there with us... the calm shore, the fresh air and boats bobbling in and out of the water. it was marvelous. i can even see the moon dancing in the water, wanting to touch my feet.
well, i wished it would. then that would be the moment when i can safely say that the coldness between us has finally thawed.
but beginnings cannot be prolonged endlessly; they cannot simply state and restate and restate themselves. they must move on and develop—or die of boredom. not so, you say. we must get away, move on, have changes, other people, other places so we can come back to a relationship ‘as if’ it were new, and have constant beginnings.
the other fifty-ish couples were there, staring at each other then at us. then i begin to wonder if somehow we’d grow to be 50 and still manage to look in each other’s eyes. i don’t think so. young as our love was, were were no longer “us” anymore.
i mailed you a letter that was “so damn good”. that was the last time i had anything to do with you. i gave up on on ‘us’ just a few months ago. along with that, i gave up everything we claimed ours—our songs, our dances, starry nights, parks, anthuriums, northern trips, movies, pandas and koalas, silvers and burgundys and my dreams for permanency.
i thought ours was certainty. but after certainty comes shattering; so there we were—for as long as we stand there and hold it. but you slipped away and no matter how tightly i never wanted to let go, i realize you were no longer there.
“How’s life?” that was all you managed to ask. I watched as you took my hand. i was half-smiling, half-wincing.
“Pretty fine...” was all i can manage to answer.
Nobody can blame me. whether you’ve heard me, i have spoken to you over the years with my heart and mind. and i have shouted, whispered, bellowed, screamed and silently cried for all the words my heart wanted to hear from you but never did.
yes, we have moved on to a protracted series of reopenings. one was caused by business separation that was necessary. some were manufactured by you in order to provide still more opportunites to return to the newness you so desire. now i realize that, maybe except for blue collar, there was really nothing between us. even our friendship is completely ...motionless. so when blue collar died, we did, too. i made initial efforts but later got tired because you were...motionless. i remember we used to call each other ‘friend’. but friends do not take each other for granted. in this aspect, you stopped being my friend.
“Well?” you insist. I realized you wanted to squeeze out a little more from me. Like you always did.
“Well...” I sighed. “Life has been quite fair, giving me almost all which I so long deserved and—”
“...And taking from away all that you don’t need...is that what you’re trying to say?” you interrupted.
.
“Well, what can i say?—you can still finish my sentences...” With my remark, you slapped down my hands. “C’mon! What happened to good old sensibility?” I teased.
“It probably got lost along the way,” you were quick to reply.
“Probably...” then once again, there was silence.
we have undoubtedly gone further than you ever intended to go. and have stopped far short of what i saw as our next logical and lovely steps. i have seen developments with you constantly arrested, and have come to believe that we will never make more than sporadic attempts at all our learning potentials, our amazing similarities of interests, no matter how many years we may have—because we will never have unbroken time together.
I glanced at you. God, you look like all the years you are. now, you’re sporting a short hair compared to the long ponytails you had when i first fell in love with you. Deeply etched are the lines around your mouth—laughlines, you used to tell me. mine? they are gone now...now that you are gone.
i don’t know about you but i had a vision of something wonderful then that possibly awaits us. yet i cannot get there from here. even if i am looking at it, it’s not really there. what i’m looking for is not what you’re looking for. thus, if our dreams are out of sight for you, then i guess it doesn’t really exist.
you’ve kept some of the sturdiness of your youth, though, with your little shoulders and your rough hands. i couldn’t but wonder about the four years we’ve left somewhere, so i had to ask.
“How about you?”
“Moping...” you let out that old familiar boyish grin that has kept me company for the best years of my life. “...about my new job, domestic woes, personal chaos...everything. But i’m still here!” you convinced me as if that’s all it takes for me to say you’ve hurdled.
“well, there are some hurts you can’t completely get over,” i wanted you to know that i can empathize; that i feel the same way about losing you and that, like you, i had been moping too.
“like this one?” you whispered.
and i had to agree...”yes, especially this one.”
i am forever faced with your solid wall of defenses while you need to build more. i long for the richness and fullness of our relationship but you always search for ways to avoid it as long as we’re together. to feel your resistance to me, to the growth of this something wonderful as if it were something horrible—to experience the various resistance takes, some of them cruel—often causes me pain on one level or another. i am extremely frustrated and deeply lost. i have to break free and find me.
“Well, at least everything that’s important in my world is here and now...” you finally managed to sound so convincing i could almost believe.
“good for you,” I frowned and shook my head, thinking of what has transpired in my life. “if you want to know, everything i hold dear has gone from mine. my dad, some friendships, our love...everything. I have even learned to embraced my aloneness, you know.”
And as if i’ve spoken some magic words, you embraced me. all at once, i felt the world melt away. in your arms again, i smelled that sweet familiar scent. i used to call it “justice” because even amidst my daily hysteria, your embrace would melt my troubles. and at this threshold i knew, “justice” was once again served.
i have a record of our time together, and i have taken a long honest look at it. it has saddened me but it has been helpful in facing the truth. i look back to the early times in september of 1995. it was our truly happy period. earlier on, you left me breathless by your love yet everything changed; and all through these changes, everyday i realize i couldn’t catch my breath with you anymore. suddenly, i didn’t know where i stand.
as if we were in the throes of our new love, we wallowed. we got lost. now found each other again, recouping our common past, retrieving lost causes and lost verses. and lost love.
“C’mon, you’re not alone and will never be. I’ll be with you every step of the way...” you assured me.
“Ssshhh...” I held my fingers to your mouth. “You promised me that four years ago...”
“i did?!”
“Uh-huh...but right to this day I never really felt you were with me”
“Uh-oh...” you grimaced at the disturbing comfort but i needed to say more.
“the promise you gave my dad before he died...” i was curious, “uhh, it was the only straw that kept you holding on to me, right?” You took a deep breath. A pause lingered. I had to know. “That’s why when my dad died, you started to spend less and less moments with me.”
“yes and i’m sorry...” see, it hurt but i had to know.
“you pushed me against the wall and my only option was a silent retreat to my solitary corner...so i had to leave.” as i said that, i was overcome by a deep sense of rage. you pulled me closer as I held back the tears.
i think this is something that we both know must be. i must accept that—no matter how i tried—i have failed in my efforts to let you know the joys of caring. our relationship has run its course. it didn’t work no matter how i tried to save it. thus facing facts as honestly as i can, i know i cannot continue. i cannot bend further.
“It’s just completely absurd to face each other again and still find nothing there.” You had break the silence that engulfed us.
“So why are we here?” I wondered aloud.
“I guess I need to rediscover the things in you i fell in love with in the first place even while you keep hounding on the things that made you fell out of love.”—well, it’s so very like climbing out of the abyss. “but i always knew, wherever we’re going, there’ll always be us. i know our love can always bring us back to the same side...that’s why for some unexplained reasons, we’re here.”
you are the best thing that ever happened to me. but then, away and apart or together and apart, it is too unhappy. i am watching myself become a creature who cries a lot—or even must cry a lot—for in our relationship it seems that pity is necessary before kindness is possible. and i know that i have not come this far in life to become pitiful.
“i’d like to believe we had better times. better than anybody could ask for...or than most people ever had. do you agree?” you looked at me straight in the eye.
“Yeah, ours was not perfect but we were mostly happy.” I caught your gaze. “But just because we get a glimpse of “us” once in a while, it doesn’t guarantee that we can still stay together....” you nodded in agreement.
“can I just tell you something?” your eyes were full of pent-up feelings wanting to let go. I nodded. “For all it’s worth, i do miss you.”
I gave you that mischievous smile you so loved.
“and...and...” You took a deep breath. “I wish I haven’t been unfair to you. I wish I haven’t taken you for granted. I wished I understood you more. I wish I learned to appreciate all you’ve done—even now that i know can never give you all the love you deserve...”
as you said that, I felt the pang of silent anger confused with deep regret in my heart as the sea lashed its angry waves to the shore. “I wish, too...” I whispered as i felt the rush of tears slowly, carefully tracing my face. this is my last cry. and my last tears are for you.
but i am merely putting a period to a relationship that you, with your insensitivity, have ended. so, i hope you will not see this as a breaking of an agreement. rather, this is merely a continuation of the many, many endings you have already begun.
looking back, you were vibrant and on the young side when i met you. And I, even with my own innocence, had seen more than enough of life. But we stuck! After years of park-chatting, cruising, fighting, flowers, songs, madness...we stuck!
“I’ve been following you...you know that?” You proudly declared.
“you mean, spying on me?” I can’t believe my ears!
“Sort of but not quite...” you winced. “i still catch myself reading your articles—from page to page, followed it line to line.”
I raised my brows. “Really?!” then I stood up. “even though everything i wrote was about us: your insecurities, my wishes and the future we never had?”
“That’s the only way I can get in touch with you...remember ‘i only read you when you write...” you chattered on about what i thought i understood, even when most of them were lost with the solitary retreat i chose to do.
my love and precious friend, this is said softly, even tenderly and lovingly. the soft tones doesn’t camouflage any underlying anger—they are real! there are no accusations, no blames or faults. i am simply trying to understand and stop the pain. i am stating what you have forced me to accept: that you and i are never going to have a development, much less a relationship grown to full blossom.
i wanted to scream and cry but i searched my heart’s every nook and cranny, groping for the hurt that was once lodged there. all i saw was nothing but sunshine peeping through the slits where laughter ripped.
suddenly, the sound system crooned one of the songs from one of our favorite films. “...someday, when i’m alone, when the world is cold. i will feel a glow just thinking of you, and the way you look tonight....” but just i started humming, i saw you closing your eyes.
“Aren’t you glad that despite everything, we’re still here?” you asked.
“you can say that again!” i was more than glad! “hey, i want to tell you that if there’s somebody who will put a smile on my lips even if i’m old enough to love...” i had to say this. “...it will be you!”
“You know what? You haven’t changed a bit. you still know how to make me smile, thank you...” you said as you pulled me to sit beside you again. and i yeilded. “Listen, to the song, this time...”
the music changed to something revived about two old friends meeting again... we sang, we made faces, did a little jig, too and started to laugh. we were serious but, oh, how we laughed!
“Kiss me, silly...” you teased.
I did. i kissed you silly.
the secret of my strength is that i act and say what i feel and believe. and that is love. and if i believed that we were going to be happy, i lived it honestly. and i am comforted by this now, in this awful moment of ending. i can honestly say i do not know of any other thing i might do to get us to the future we could have had.
suddenly in my despair and anger, i laughed again. i laughed at the thought of you coming back to find me gone!
we were rebellious, unmindful of the world and all its rules. For us back then, the world owes us one more day everytime we were together. And if we were, our times were always filled with furious happiness. but i can’t help thinking, we were as good as anyone else..how then did we relegate ourselves to the limited four years of our lives?
“If we were as beautiful as we are tonight...why can’t we love without being punished?” Your words ripped through my heart.
“If we were strong enough, why didn’t we become warriors for love?” That was not deliberate as i was only fishing for answers to the many questions we both left behind.
The problem with us is we loved too much. because we were so good for each other, we gave up. Such a sad tale, according to our comrades who shook their heads when they found out we were “us”. they were the same people who shook their heads when they found out we left. like us, they didn’t know what they want.
if anything in my life now deserves departure from previously established patterns, going beyond all known limitations, our relationship did. i supposed i might be justified in feeling humiliated about the lengths to which i have made it work. instead i feel proud of myself and glad to know i recognized the rare opportunity we had while we had it; and gave it all i could, in its purest and highest sense, to preserve it.
it’s totally amazing, i thought—how some love affairs start with very simple things like a cup of coffee. ours started with that a simple line you said...
“You want coffee?” how i wish some lost loves, like ours, will start over again by lines and things which are as simple.
“what’s wrong?” you laughed.
“Huh?” i was awakened from my reverie.
“I just asked you if you want some coffee...” then you paused to wait as i was recovering from history. “so?”
“Why not?” that same line!
agreeing to have coffee with you again is just like starting all over. after summoning the waiter, we didn’t really talk. we just sat there for a while and watched each other, hoping to linger. we also sipped our coffee: strong, bitter and sweet just like the flurry of events hurled around us.
“Hmmmnnn...a cup of coffee with you and a blue dawn is always perfect,” i said as i saw you already drinking me with your eyes. indeed, it was perfect.
there are no mistakes. we were not a mistake. the events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we have to learn. and whatever steps we take, they’re necessary to take us where we really want to go. just because our relationship didn’t last it doesn’t mean we both failed.
my knees weakened under me i almost cried. instead, i smiled and pressed you in an embrace, suddenly wanting to hold you like that forever. is this who i am with this person? is this just who i want to be?
yes!
“let’s wait..” you had to break the silence.
“for what? the sunrise?” i was lost in your puzzle.
“yes, of today and all the sunrises of forever...”
“never—” i interrupted and put down my cup. “...never ever promise me forever again.”
this is not the way i wanted it done and i know you were dismayed. you were waiting for more words toi unhurt you. instead, i turned my gaze to the sea, trying to taunt the pain with a love like ours they didn’t have.
as you combed my hair with your fingers and people were staring. suddenly, i had a sense of fleeing, of escaping from something terribly sad and maddening.
despite all the pain, i am happy to have known you in this special way and will always treasure the time we’ve had together. i have grown with you and learned so much from you as you did from me. we have been better persons for having touched each other’s lives. for that, i will never forget you. you will be securely in my heart forever.
so what shall we do now with forever? it’s something so far away we cannot even grasp!
“who knows, it still could be us?!” you insisted seeing me half-convinced.
“meanwhile, what do we do?” i am used to playing your games. “write sea poems and drink coffee and watch the sun rise on us? C’mon...”
“i’m serious. we’ll tie the knot again...” i’m sure we will tie the knot again. oh, we will!
“...only when we have untied ourselves from our selfishness and pride and insensitivity.” i winked at you, to hide my sarcasm.
when the pain is gone, i will still be your friend as i know you are mine. until then, i am sending this with a heart full of deep and tender love and high regard i have for you, as well as profound sorrow, that an opportunity so filled with promise—so rare and so beautiful—had to go...unfulfilled.
“give me time...” you were serious indeed! “two years or so...”
“then?”
“Then you’ll find me drinking coffee at our kitchen table.”
i sipped the last drop and i smiled and stood up with the realization that we could stave off past losses and past loves with light banter, a little hand-holding, some serious talks over a cup of coffee.
i look back at the moon starting to fade to the sun. the tide is high. i can feel the waters dancing with my toes. i can feel the love prancing in my soul. yet that was all there is to it. the music may play on, but the song is done. time to take our graceful bow.
“I love you...” that was the first time i heard you say that. the first time in four long years.
“but you cannot give me what you don’t have...” i reminded you.
“i know...” your eyes hid something mysterious coming out from your soul. and your heart need to speak it out. “so from now until that moment, let’s live each day as it comes.”
“that’s better than promises of forever...” i smile to the boatman who, like us, has sailed closer to the shore.
so while you’re at it, i want you to give me back what i’ve wanted for so long. something that belongs to me. something i gave you for the past four precious years of my life...my old believing heart.
I may or may not wait for forever for him but it’s good to know the sun has finally shone on us. i realized the water has finally touched my feet. the cold war has thawed.
and i am certain that the warmth will keep me company even if you cannot give me the forever you never promised.
let’s not leave each other crying or trying to appear brave. let’s leave each other in a parting that is as sweet as our love has been all these years.
you held my hand as we walked by our lovely past—the grassy spot where you gave me the book ‘if you call my name, i will go...’, the corner where we used to do our poetry readings under our starry skies, and even the park where we discussed, debated and moon-watched.
in the sunrise, i can almost see my freedom and love bouncing down the road before me. no one can say if this will be a new beginning—not even us. but, with you now, i know i am heading for home where i belong. i am on my way on a journey to hope and being happy.
happy days, cris!
finally, love is coming back to me!
break-upmontage.by jeansgcequina.mcmlxix
Amazing.
We were sitting there from dawn till morn. we were talking and holding and laughing. we were listening to the silence that has cut the bridge between us for so long—suddenly not talking at all. i was waiting for some sane words from you...we had none to give.
There were pairs around us yet i’m not even sure if they were lovers. They were just there—holding hands, pacing, talking and not talking as if mingling in our interlude. from afar i saw a boatman sailing close to the shore. he waved and smiled as if glad seeing us... together. again.
i see us stuck in a never-ending opening. at first, it was the real thing and sheer delight. it is the part of a relationship in which you were at your best: fun, charming, excited, exciting, interesting, interested. it was the time when you were most comfortable and most lovable because you didn’t feel the need to mobilize your defenses, so i could get to care for a warm human being instead of a cactus. it was also the time of delight for us both, and it’s no wonder you like opening so much you strive to make your life a series of them.
at first glance, everyone who saw us almost bled with envy. we were the embodiment of a perfect couple (well, almost!), except that we were no longer one. we were two beautiful souls lost in the panorama of the bluish dawn with the sun peeping over our horizon. no one can say when the night is due or when it’s almost morning. but such splendid seascape was just there with us... the calm shore, the fresh air and boats bobbling in and out of the water. it was marvelous. i can even see the moon dancing in the water, wanting to touch my feet.
well, i wished it would. then that would be the moment when i can safely say that the coldness between us has finally thawed.
but beginnings cannot be prolonged endlessly; they cannot simply state and restate and restate themselves. they must move on and develop—or die of boredom. not so, you say. we must get away, move on, have changes, other people, other places so we can come back to a relationship ‘as if’ it were new, and have constant beginnings.
the other fifty-ish couples were there, staring at each other then at us. then i begin to wonder if somehow we’d grow to be 50 and still manage to look in each other’s eyes. i don’t think so. young as our love was, were were no longer “us” anymore.
i mailed you a letter that was “so damn good”. that was the last time i had anything to do with you. i gave up on on ‘us’ just a few months ago. along with that, i gave up everything we claimed ours—our songs, our dances, starry nights, parks, anthuriums, northern trips, movies, pandas and koalas, silvers and burgundys and my dreams for permanency.
i thought ours was certainty. but after certainty comes shattering; so there we were—for as long as we stand there and hold it. but you slipped away and no matter how tightly i never wanted to let go, i realize you were no longer there.
“How’s life?” that was all you managed to ask. I watched as you took my hand. i was half-smiling, half-wincing.
“Pretty fine...” was all i can manage to answer.
Nobody can blame me. whether you’ve heard me, i have spoken to you over the years with my heart and mind. and i have shouted, whispered, bellowed, screamed and silently cried for all the words my heart wanted to hear from you but never did.
yes, we have moved on to a protracted series of reopenings. one was caused by business separation that was necessary. some were manufactured by you in order to provide still more opportunites to return to the newness you so desire. now i realize that, maybe except for blue collar, there was really nothing between us. even our friendship is completely ...motionless. so when blue collar died, we did, too. i made initial efforts but later got tired because you were...motionless. i remember we used to call each other ‘friend’. but friends do not take each other for granted. in this aspect, you stopped being my friend.
“Well?” you insist. I realized you wanted to squeeze out a little more from me. Like you always did.
“Well...” I sighed. “Life has been quite fair, giving me almost all which I so long deserved and—”
“...And taking from away all that you don’t need...is that what you’re trying to say?” you interrupted.
.
“Well, what can i say?—you can still finish my sentences...” With my remark, you slapped down my hands. “C’mon! What happened to good old sensibility?” I teased.
“It probably got lost along the way,” you were quick to reply.
“Probably...” then once again, there was silence.
we have undoubtedly gone further than you ever intended to go. and have stopped far short of what i saw as our next logical and lovely steps. i have seen developments with you constantly arrested, and have come to believe that we will never make more than sporadic attempts at all our learning potentials, our amazing similarities of interests, no matter how many years we may have—because we will never have unbroken time together.
I glanced at you. God, you look like all the years you are. now, you’re sporting a short hair compared to the long ponytails you had when i first fell in love with you. Deeply etched are the lines around your mouth—laughlines, you used to tell me. mine? they are gone now...now that you are gone.
i don’t know about you but i had a vision of something wonderful then that possibly awaits us. yet i cannot get there from here. even if i am looking at it, it’s not really there. what i’m looking for is not what you’re looking for. thus, if our dreams are out of sight for you, then i guess it doesn’t really exist.
you’ve kept some of the sturdiness of your youth, though, with your little shoulders and your rough hands. i couldn’t but wonder about the four years we’ve left somewhere, so i had to ask.
“How about you?”
“Moping...” you let out that old familiar boyish grin that has kept me company for the best years of my life. “...about my new job, domestic woes, personal chaos...everything. But i’m still here!” you convinced me as if that’s all it takes for me to say you’ve hurdled.
“well, there are some hurts you can’t completely get over,” i wanted you to know that i can empathize; that i feel the same way about losing you and that, like you, i had been moping too.
“like this one?” you whispered.
and i had to agree...”yes, especially this one.”
i am forever faced with your solid wall of defenses while you need to build more. i long for the richness and fullness of our relationship but you always search for ways to avoid it as long as we’re together. to feel your resistance to me, to the growth of this something wonderful as if it were something horrible—to experience the various resistance takes, some of them cruel—often causes me pain on one level or another. i am extremely frustrated and deeply lost. i have to break free and find me.
“Well, at least everything that’s important in my world is here and now...” you finally managed to sound so convincing i could almost believe.
“good for you,” I frowned and shook my head, thinking of what has transpired in my life. “if you want to know, everything i hold dear has gone from mine. my dad, some friendships, our love...everything. I have even learned to embraced my aloneness, you know.”
And as if i’ve spoken some magic words, you embraced me. all at once, i felt the world melt away. in your arms again, i smelled that sweet familiar scent. i used to call it “justice” because even amidst my daily hysteria, your embrace would melt my troubles. and at this threshold i knew, “justice” was once again served.
i have a record of our time together, and i have taken a long honest look at it. it has saddened me but it has been helpful in facing the truth. i look back to the early times in september of 1995. it was our truly happy period. earlier on, you left me breathless by your love yet everything changed; and all through these changes, everyday i realize i couldn’t catch my breath with you anymore. suddenly, i didn’t know where i stand.
as if we were in the throes of our new love, we wallowed. we got lost. now found each other again, recouping our common past, retrieving lost causes and lost verses. and lost love.
“C’mon, you’re not alone and will never be. I’ll be with you every step of the way...” you assured me.
“Ssshhh...” I held my fingers to your mouth. “You promised me that four years ago...”
“i did?!”
“Uh-huh...but right to this day I never really felt you were with me”
“Uh-oh...” you grimaced at the disturbing comfort but i needed to say more.
“the promise you gave my dad before he died...” i was curious, “uhh, it was the only straw that kept you holding on to me, right?” You took a deep breath. A pause lingered. I had to know. “That’s why when my dad died, you started to spend less and less moments with me.”
“yes and i’m sorry...” see, it hurt but i had to know.
“you pushed me against the wall and my only option was a silent retreat to my solitary corner...so i had to leave.” as i said that, i was overcome by a deep sense of rage. you pulled me closer as I held back the tears.
i think this is something that we both know must be. i must accept that—no matter how i tried—i have failed in my efforts to let you know the joys of caring. our relationship has run its course. it didn’t work no matter how i tried to save it. thus facing facts as honestly as i can, i know i cannot continue. i cannot bend further.
“It’s just completely absurd to face each other again and still find nothing there.” You had break the silence that engulfed us.
“So why are we here?” I wondered aloud.
“I guess I need to rediscover the things in you i fell in love with in the first place even while you keep hounding on the things that made you fell out of love.”—well, it’s so very like climbing out of the abyss. “but i always knew, wherever we’re going, there’ll always be us. i know our love can always bring us back to the same side...that’s why for some unexplained reasons, we’re here.”
you are the best thing that ever happened to me. but then, away and apart or together and apart, it is too unhappy. i am watching myself become a creature who cries a lot—or even must cry a lot—for in our relationship it seems that pity is necessary before kindness is possible. and i know that i have not come this far in life to become pitiful.
“i’d like to believe we had better times. better than anybody could ask for...or than most people ever had. do you agree?” you looked at me straight in the eye.
“Yeah, ours was not perfect but we were mostly happy.” I caught your gaze. “But just because we get a glimpse of “us” once in a while, it doesn’t guarantee that we can still stay together....” you nodded in agreement.
“can I just tell you something?” your eyes were full of pent-up feelings wanting to let go. I nodded. “For all it’s worth, i do miss you.”
I gave you that mischievous smile you so loved.
“and...and...” You took a deep breath. “I wish I haven’t been unfair to you. I wish I haven’t taken you for granted. I wished I understood you more. I wish I learned to appreciate all you’ve done—even now that i know can never give you all the love you deserve...”
as you said that, I felt the pang of silent anger confused with deep regret in my heart as the sea lashed its angry waves to the shore. “I wish, too...” I whispered as i felt the rush of tears slowly, carefully tracing my face. this is my last cry. and my last tears are for you.
but i am merely putting a period to a relationship that you, with your insensitivity, have ended. so, i hope you will not see this as a breaking of an agreement. rather, this is merely a continuation of the many, many endings you have already begun.
looking back, you were vibrant and on the young side when i met you. And I, even with my own innocence, had seen more than enough of life. But we stuck! After years of park-chatting, cruising, fighting, flowers, songs, madness...we stuck!
“I’ve been following you...you know that?” You proudly declared.
“you mean, spying on me?” I can’t believe my ears!
“Sort of but not quite...” you winced. “i still catch myself reading your articles—from page to page, followed it line to line.”
I raised my brows. “Really?!” then I stood up. “even though everything i wrote was about us: your insecurities, my wishes and the future we never had?”
“That’s the only way I can get in touch with you...remember ‘i only read you when you write...” you chattered on about what i thought i understood, even when most of them were lost with the solitary retreat i chose to do.
my love and precious friend, this is said softly, even tenderly and lovingly. the soft tones doesn’t camouflage any underlying anger—they are real! there are no accusations, no blames or faults. i am simply trying to understand and stop the pain. i am stating what you have forced me to accept: that you and i are never going to have a development, much less a relationship grown to full blossom.
i wanted to scream and cry but i searched my heart’s every nook and cranny, groping for the hurt that was once lodged there. all i saw was nothing but sunshine peeping through the slits where laughter ripped.
suddenly, the sound system crooned one of the songs from one of our favorite films. “...someday, when i’m alone, when the world is cold. i will feel a glow just thinking of you, and the way you look tonight....” but just i started humming, i saw you closing your eyes.
“Aren’t you glad that despite everything, we’re still here?” you asked.
“you can say that again!” i was more than glad! “hey, i want to tell you that if there’s somebody who will put a smile on my lips even if i’m old enough to love...” i had to say this. “...it will be you!”
“You know what? You haven’t changed a bit. you still know how to make me smile, thank you...” you said as you pulled me to sit beside you again. and i yeilded. “Listen, to the song, this time...”
the music changed to something revived about two old friends meeting again... we sang, we made faces, did a little jig, too and started to laugh. we were serious but, oh, how we laughed!
“Kiss me, silly...” you teased.
I did. i kissed you silly.
the secret of my strength is that i act and say what i feel and believe. and that is love. and if i believed that we were going to be happy, i lived it honestly. and i am comforted by this now, in this awful moment of ending. i can honestly say i do not know of any other thing i might do to get us to the future we could have had.
suddenly in my despair and anger, i laughed again. i laughed at the thought of you coming back to find me gone!
we were rebellious, unmindful of the world and all its rules. For us back then, the world owes us one more day everytime we were together. And if we were, our times were always filled with furious happiness. but i can’t help thinking, we were as good as anyone else..how then did we relegate ourselves to the limited four years of our lives?
“If we were as beautiful as we are tonight...why can’t we love without being punished?” Your words ripped through my heart.
“If we were strong enough, why didn’t we become warriors for love?” That was not deliberate as i was only fishing for answers to the many questions we both left behind.
The problem with us is we loved too much. because we were so good for each other, we gave up. Such a sad tale, according to our comrades who shook their heads when they found out we were “us”. they were the same people who shook their heads when they found out we left. like us, they didn’t know what they want.
if anything in my life now deserves departure from previously established patterns, going beyond all known limitations, our relationship did. i supposed i might be justified in feeling humiliated about the lengths to which i have made it work. instead i feel proud of myself and glad to know i recognized the rare opportunity we had while we had it; and gave it all i could, in its purest and highest sense, to preserve it.
it’s totally amazing, i thought—how some love affairs start with very simple things like a cup of coffee. ours started with that a simple line you said...
“You want coffee?” how i wish some lost loves, like ours, will start over again by lines and things which are as simple.
“what’s wrong?” you laughed.
“Huh?” i was awakened from my reverie.
“I just asked you if you want some coffee...” then you paused to wait as i was recovering from history. “so?”
“Why not?” that same line!
agreeing to have coffee with you again is just like starting all over. after summoning the waiter, we didn’t really talk. we just sat there for a while and watched each other, hoping to linger. we also sipped our coffee: strong, bitter and sweet just like the flurry of events hurled around us.
“Hmmmnnn...a cup of coffee with you and a blue dawn is always perfect,” i said as i saw you already drinking me with your eyes. indeed, it was perfect.
there are no mistakes. we were not a mistake. the events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we have to learn. and whatever steps we take, they’re necessary to take us where we really want to go. just because our relationship didn’t last it doesn’t mean we both failed.
my knees weakened under me i almost cried. instead, i smiled and pressed you in an embrace, suddenly wanting to hold you like that forever. is this who i am with this person? is this just who i want to be?
yes!
“let’s wait..” you had to break the silence.
“for what? the sunrise?” i was lost in your puzzle.
“yes, of today and all the sunrises of forever...”
“never—” i interrupted and put down my cup. “...never ever promise me forever again.”
this is not the way i wanted it done and i know you were dismayed. you were waiting for more words toi unhurt you. instead, i turned my gaze to the sea, trying to taunt the pain with a love like ours they didn’t have.
as you combed my hair with your fingers and people were staring. suddenly, i had a sense of fleeing, of escaping from something terribly sad and maddening.
despite all the pain, i am happy to have known you in this special way and will always treasure the time we’ve had together. i have grown with you and learned so much from you as you did from me. we have been better persons for having touched each other’s lives. for that, i will never forget you. you will be securely in my heart forever.
so what shall we do now with forever? it’s something so far away we cannot even grasp!
“who knows, it still could be us?!” you insisted seeing me half-convinced.
“meanwhile, what do we do?” i am used to playing your games. “write sea poems and drink coffee and watch the sun rise on us? C’mon...”
“i’m serious. we’ll tie the knot again...” i’m sure we will tie the knot again. oh, we will!
“...only when we have untied ourselves from our selfishness and pride and insensitivity.” i winked at you, to hide my sarcasm.
when the pain is gone, i will still be your friend as i know you are mine. until then, i am sending this with a heart full of deep and tender love and high regard i have for you, as well as profound sorrow, that an opportunity so filled with promise—so rare and so beautiful—had to go...unfulfilled.
“give me time...” you were serious indeed! “two years or so...”
“then?”
“Then you’ll find me drinking coffee at our kitchen table.”
i sipped the last drop and i smiled and stood up with the realization that we could stave off past losses and past loves with light banter, a little hand-holding, some serious talks over a cup of coffee.
i look back at the moon starting to fade to the sun. the tide is high. i can feel the waters dancing with my toes. i can feel the love prancing in my soul. yet that was all there is to it. the music may play on, but the song is done. time to take our graceful bow.
“I love you...” that was the first time i heard you say that. the first time in four long years.
“but you cannot give me what you don’t have...” i reminded you.
“i know...” your eyes hid something mysterious coming out from your soul. and your heart need to speak it out. “so from now until that moment, let’s live each day as it comes.”
“that’s better than promises of forever...” i smile to the boatman who, like us, has sailed closer to the shore.
so while you’re at it, i want you to give me back what i’ve wanted for so long. something that belongs to me. something i gave you for the past four precious years of my life...my old believing heart.
I may or may not wait for forever for him but it’s good to know the sun has finally shone on us. i realized the water has finally touched my feet. the cold war has thawed.
and i am certain that the warmth will keep me company even if you cannot give me the forever you never promised.
let’s not leave each other crying or trying to appear brave. let’s leave each other in a parting that is as sweet as our love has been all these years.
you held my hand as we walked by our lovely past—the grassy spot where you gave me the book ‘if you call my name, i will go...’, the corner where we used to do our poetry readings under our starry skies, and even the park where we discussed, debated and moon-watched.
in the sunrise, i can almost see my freedom and love bouncing down the road before me. no one can say if this will be a new beginning—not even us. but, with you now, i know i am heading for home where i belong. i am on my way on a journey to hope and being happy.
happy days, cris!
finally, love is coming back to me!
break-upmontage.by jeansgcequina.mcmlxix
